This post was originally drafted November 1st. I still wanted to share it because this is an example of how I worked through the process of fighting against feelings, and then eventually accepting that they exist - to help me move forward.
I’m an introvert. I also have issues with confidence and memory. When I am tired, my mind races and creates an inner dialogue of negativity. At work today I had a really, really tough time paying attention to the task at hand. I got easily distracted and it made my day feel long and my work incomplete.
I also feel lonely. I have a VERY hard time going out and making friends. When I have a friendship I almost fall off the map in between seeing them because I fear failure. (I think by proxy my fear of failing them in a relationship, is failing them in our friendship) I want to make friends. I want to commit myself to going out and getting coffee or bringing our kids together - but I am so afraid. The fear is so strong it makes me want to stay home and hide. I know it’s not doing my children any favors to stay at home all the time - but it is hard on my heart to get out.
It really became evident to me last night, during Trick-or-Treating when people didn’t know who we were or asked “Where do you live?” and of course the mom friends. Clusters of moms slowly walking behind their kids as they trick-or-treated was intimidating. Our family unit had fun, but I wonder what it would be like to have had a friend to go with?
I was communicating with someone on an app, Peanut, and she and I had planned to meet up at some point and I just didn’t want to pull the trigger. There are so many fears.
But, do those fears serve a purpose? If I don’t worry, will those fears change? That SOUNDS obvious, but how much of thought it going to remain inside us, how much is actually influenced by the outside world?
Radical acceptance is the name of the game. Here is an article about it, I received the information from my therapist. When I fight the feelings, it just builds to more and more anxiety and pain. I need to put this to practice - but gosh its hard to relax and take each challenge as it comes!
I am going to have a tough time completing The Happy Project if I don’t commit to REALLY doing it. That means, not waiting until the right scenario to practice thinking happy, but ALWAYS thinking happy. From the minute I wake up and take my feet out of bed. Do the damn thing with a smile. When I slowly walk around the bed because I’m sore, smile! When it’s dark, everyone else is asleep, and take out the dog for a walk before it hits 40 degrees - smile! Do the damn thing.
The cold wooden floor has nothing on my (sometimes forced) smile.