lack of success.
the omission of expected or required action.
I took a risk. It didn’t pay off. But I don’t feel bad about it. I feel disappointment, but not anger, regret, or depression. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I dropped out of Oregon State University.
I put in a month of hard work. My hours at work increased, as my anxiety increased, as my weekends, nights, and days off were committed to school. I struggled. It was really really hard. My life is so different now the second time around. The phrase “I’ve (You’ve) done it before” was thrown around - although true, it didn’t make it any easier.
I’m not a great student. I have to commit myself 129474628103472561000000% and even then it is a huge undertaking. But I wanted to try. I wanted to prove that I could make myself academically valuable in the field that I work in. I wanted to secure my future, help make it feel more concrete.
Now, instead, I will keep putting in sweat equity. I will put in the hours of work, create my portfolio, prove my worth, and embrace my psychology degree with both hands and say “This is why you need me on your team.” I know someone in the future will take a chance on me.
I love my job now. It’s the favorite place that I’ve ever worked. I get to spend time outside, I get to give input on creative pieces, and I get to work at something that I really enjoy. I also am thankful that I have a job I love at a place I love to work at.
So, instead of feeling like I’ve lost something, I have gained so much more. More time to…
take Ender to the library and playground.
take Decker to a music class.
watch a movie once a week.
plan a weekend trip.
be a better, more focused employee at work.
spend time as a family.
taking Mara on hour long walks on the weekend.
take a bath.
make new friends.
So here’s to failure. Failure doesn’t mean the end, failure just means that that path wasn’t able to be conquered. I made it down to the first curve and decided to turn back. But I think that the road ahead looks much better than the one behind me.